I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
