I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
