The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
