How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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