New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
