i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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