i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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