drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
