I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
