im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
