Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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