I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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