My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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