You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
