Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
