i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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