The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
