note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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