I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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