i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
