im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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