i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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