I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
pray to the hookup gods
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
