i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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