I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you