Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
