so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
