I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
