I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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