and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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