You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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