I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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