can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
