Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.