The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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