Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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