yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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