My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
