thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
