I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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