____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
