he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
