the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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