its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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