If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
