this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
