I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
