I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
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I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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