You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I have post one night stand depression
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