I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
