i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
