I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
